some interesting annoucements

[Craig Lindsay]

Rarely, Australian airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight 'safety lecture' and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
On an Air NZ Flight with a very 'senior' flight attendant crew, the Pilot said, 'Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.' On landing the hostess said, 'Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.''There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways to leave the aircraft.' As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Auckland , a lone Voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella. WHOA!' From a Qantas employee: 'Welcome aboard Qantas Flight X to Y to operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public un-supervised.' 'In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite. 'Weather at our destination is 32 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Qantas Airlines.' 'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.' Heard on Qantas Airlines just after a very hard landing in Hobart . The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite bump and I know what you are all thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault..it was the asphalt!' Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.' An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying United. 'He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had got off except for an old lady walking with a cane. She said, 'Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?' 'Why no Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?' The little old lady said, 'Did we land or were we shot down?' After a real crusher of a landing in Sydney , the Flight Attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.' Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal tube, we hope you'll think of Qantas.' A plane was taking off from Mascot Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number XYZ, non-stop from Sydney to Auckland . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - ARGHHH! OH, MY GOD!' Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!' A passenger in Economy said, 'That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!'

Craig - please try to make your posts a bit neater to make them easier to read (as Nigel has suggested), we don't have time to do this for you -mod

[Nigel C]

Hi Craig,

To make it easier for all of us to read, could you please edit it and break it down into separate paragraphs? Perhaps one per announcement?

Thanks.
Nigel

[Rhys Xanthis]

Originally Posted by Nigel C

Hi Craig,

To make it easier for all of us to read, could you please edit it and break it down into separate paragraphs? Perhaps one per announcement?

Thanks.
Nigel

+1, it was painful to read..

VB flight from MEL->PER...

• (talking about life jacket)...and a light and whistle for attracting sailors
• Ladies and Gentlemen, it is a federal offence to smoke anywhere on this aircraft. The toilets have been fitted with video and smoke detectors (hur hur), and if i catch you, i will stick you out on the wing so you can think about what you've done.
• Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to perth, where the time is 3 hours and 30 years behind Melbourne

i liked the last one, it goes in line with my thoughts of perth

[Steve Crook]

Was watching a youtube clip yesterday that some one took on a DJ flight to Brisbane (sorry, didn't save the URL). After the plane turned off the runway, the usualy "welcome to Brisbane..." talk began. When it got to the overhead lockers bit she said "Be careful when opeing the overhead lockers as items may have moved. And, as we all know, sh*# happens"......thought that was a bit 'out there'

[David Knudsen]

Originally Posted by Steve Crook

"Be careful when opeing the overhead lockers as items may have moved. And, as we all know, sh*# happens"......thought that was a bit 'out there'

It was probably "shift happens" - thats their normal line.

[Kelvin R]

JAL warn you that smoke detectors and fire extinguishers have been fitted in the bathrooms and then show a picture of a business man smoking in the bathroom being covered with foam. I don't however think this is meant as a joke but I found it funny.

[Erik H. Bakke]

One of the regular lines at Virgin Blue used to be:

"The lifevest is equipped with a whistle to attract the attention of sharks"

[Brendan Lawrence]

Those announcements sound like someone who's taken the usual American one-liners and adapted them to Australia's airlines! Qantas won't tell you how to operate your seatbelt during the CSM's welcome aboard PA, nor do Qantas recommend using seat cushions as floatation devices, plus there's no way Qantas crew can joke around making comments like that during the safety demo because it's video/pre-recorded anyway.

Ah! Just spotted a blip - whoever went through it and changed the American airline names to Australian ones missed a bit...

"The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying United." ... that was after it had said it was a Qantas flight.

They all sound totally fabricated anyway... Like some of those things would ever be said over the PA?? Like that 'whoaa big fella, whoa' during roll-out.

Not saying you fabricated them Craig, but it seems they're just the usual airline jokes.

[Justin L]

Yeah, seen that joke numerous times in many forms over the years, via chain emails and even on the old board in both its Australian and American versions. The first time I've seen it with Air NZ thrown into it though. Also, a dead giveaway is the reference to "Qantas Airlines" when it's actually "Qantas Airways".

[Russell D]

This Southwest one is pretty good (and definitely real)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ysB5qTm0Ut8

Love the "seatbelt to should be worn nice and low like J-Lo's pants".

Also found this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ATHU...eature=related (Warning: Contains moderate course language though)

Love how he says not to put the oxygen masks on the kids because "they can figure out a **** Nintendo, they can figure out the oxygen system"